Sunday, October 13, 2019

Rosenberg's Power Five Bottom Ten for Week 7

By: Jeremy Rosenberg 

Join me each week as I unmask the worst of the best, the teams that play in big time conferences, but end up with small time accomplishments. My bottom ten is made up only of so-called power five conference members. I have little interest in haranguing the UTEPs or Bowling Greens or Rices of the world. Nope, I’m after schools with massive football budgets, coaches with obnoxious salaries, and legions of sheep-like fanboys and fangirls that refuse to admit their program sucks.

10. Tennessee (2-4)

            Hope springs eternal as the Vols show some life and beat an uninspired Mississippi State team, 20-10. Next week is the third Saturday in October, or as they call it in Knoxville, Breakfast with Jack Daniels.

Next week: @ Alabama (Nick Saban will have his team convinced they could lose this game if they let up, proving he is the best coach in college football.)

Prognosis: Hope dies.

9. Arkansas (2-4)

            The Razorbacks lose a winnable game at Kentucky and confirm what we all thought — they suck. 

Next week: vs. Auburn (No letting up for Auburn as it s to keep pace in the SEC West.)

Prognosis: Arkansas secretly petitions to join the Big XII.

8. Northwestern (1-4)

            Northwestern enters the Bottom Ten with its only win against UNLV. The scrappy Wildcats seem to have run out of mojo this year. But hey, academics, right?  

Next week: vs. Ohio State (The Buckeyes will probably have more fans in the stands at Ryan Field than Northwestern.)

Prognosis: Pat Fitzgerald no longer needs to complain about what people are saying about the ‘Cats on social media— no one cares anymore.

7. Oregon State (2-4)

            The Beavs began their murderous trip through the Pac-12 with a 52-7 homecoming thrashing at the hands of the Utah Utes. Now, they get to go on the road for two weeks. Perhaps they can crack the bottom four and qualify for the Bottom Four Playoff.

Next week: @ California (A game against OSU comes just in time for slumping Cal.)

Prognosis:The Golden Bears will pour a golden shower on the Beavers.

6. Kansas (2-4)

            Kansas had the week off, which allowed Les Miles to work on the Euro version of his show, Kilometers to Go. It just seems to lack something…

Next week: @ Texas (The ‘Horns will be ornery after their loss to Oklahoma.)

Prognosis: Parsecs to go. KU could easily lose out this year.

5. Illinois (2-4)

            Illinois remembered they were playing football and actually put up a fight against Michigan, but still fell short by 17 points. You know things are bad when a 17-point loss looks like progress.

Next week: vs. Wisconsin (The Badgers are rolling. This can and will get ugly fast.)

Prognosis: Lovie Smith’s beard detaches from his face and flies away in embarrassment.

4. Vanderbilt (1-5)

            Vandy gave up all vestiges of being a respectable football team and lost in truly embarrassing fashion, 34-10, to UNLV. But hey, academics, right?

Next week: vs. Missouri (Kelly Bryant and Mizzou are sitting atop the SEC East all of the sudden.)

Prognosis: Vandy cements their status as the worst team in Tennessee.

3. UCLA (1-4)

            The Bruins had the week off, which was good news for Chip Kelly. I’m sure he spent some of the extra time quietly sobbing in a corner somewhere.

Next week: @ Stanford (A Thursday night battle in Palo Alto can allow the Cardinal to build on their win over Washington.)

Prognosis: Bruins will be rejected faster than a script for a new Rob Schneider movie.

2. Georgia Tech (1-5)

            Another week, another double-digit loss for the Yellow Jackets. Between Tech and the Falcons and Georgia losing to South Carolina, it was not a good weekend to be a football fan in Atlanta.

Next week: @ Miami (The ‘Canes found their groove against Virginia. Just in time for Georgia Tech.)

Prognosis:Atlanta is officially a soccer town now.

1.  Rutgers (1-5)

            Rutgers got shut out by Indiana because of course they did. This is getting to be truly sad. These are actual human beings with feelings on this team. I wonder how many players on Rutgers are wishing they accepted that scholarship offer from Temple. Or Buffalo. Or Camden State.

Next week: vs. Minnesota (The Gophers are hot after torching Nebraska. This is a trap game, so they may not cover what I’m sure will be a mighty spread.)

Prognosis: The Gophers will play with Rutgers like they did with Bill Murray in Caddyshack.

Schedule Shaming “Game” of The Week

            One of the most egregious offenses in college football is non-conference scheduling. Each week I will single out and ruthlessly shame one program for their gutless scheduling.

Virginia Tech 34, Rhode Island 17

            The Hokies get this year’s prize for most pathetic, sorry, and weak non-conference schedule all rolled into one. VT actually scheduled Old Dominion, Furman, and Rhode Island as their opponents this year. For the love of Frank Beamer this is so tragically awful, and to think, THIS is what they offer their season ticket holders.

            I hereby declare that Virginia Tech should have to win nine games to get to a bowl.